I miss you so much. I didn’t think this was possible but I think maybe I miss you more this year than last year. It’s been so long now since you called me, since I heard your voice.
It’s Christmas time again. People are going crazy again with Christmas shopping 😂. You always left your shopping till the last day because you were so busy in the shop. I loved going into town with you to buy a last minute present for mum. We’d jump in the car, you in your dirty jeans from working hard over the Christmas season and we’d rush around Bedford town centre trying to find the perfect gift – one that hopefully mum wouldn’t exchange!
My favourite time of this season would be when you shut the shop, loaded the car with food, and you came home knowing the next day the shop would be closed, the rush of Christmas was over and we’d all be together. You were coming home. Home with us, to rest, relax, eat, laugh, sing, dress up as Father Christmas ❤️
Last weekend I had a dinner party at my house. We had 30 guests in total!!! I know 😊 …. the house was packed! Mel’s sis and family are over from SA so we had a little Christmas party at ours. You always loved a good get together. As the evening progressed I wasn’t expecting to feel this way but I missed you intensely. I felt like you knew the party was happening but you chose not to come along. That made me feel so angry and sad at the same time. It was like you had forgotten to come along, maybe no one told you it was happening? But no, they were just weird feelings. Truth is you’re gone, a fact I keep reminding myself of every day since you left.
I’m not sure if life will ever feel the same. There’s a huge hole inside of me that misses you much. I find myself looking for you every day.
But then I have to remind myself how much you loved Christmas. You’d wake up in the morning singing ‘Happy Birthday to Jesus.’ For me it was so cringeworthy 😂 but you genuinely sang it, grateful that this was when we remembered Jesus, Hope of the World was born. In the dark midst of my heartbreak and sadness, I can see the Light of the World. Because you introduced me to Jesus, I can face tomorrow. The grief is there but like it says in the Bible Jesus miraculously turns my mourning into dancing.
A few weeks ago I was at Judah’s Christmas Concert. You would have loved it. He was bouncing up and down while he was singing, just like you used to. You would have loved watching his little mouth moving along to the words of the song. As he sang ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’ and sang the ‘Gloria’ part so passionately I envisioned you in heaven singing that with the angels……’Gloooooooo-oooooo-ooooria, Hosana in Excelsis …. loosely translated, means “Glory (to God), salvation in the highest. You would be belting that out!! Oh dad, one day I’ll be singing along with you. The thought of that makes me sooooo happy!
Till then, as another new year approaches, another full one without you I fix my eyes on the finish line, sharing the prize of Jesus with you but also fixing my eyes on the race I’m still running. My race isn’t over yet. You ran yours so well dad! You never gave up. So 2020 means living healed, living free, living whole.
Love you dad so so much, wish I could tell you that face to face
Your Favourite Daughter